Christian Marriage: What is a Submissive Wife?
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 NIV
As a Woman of God, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this scripture preached at women—not to them. I have always believed this verse was grossly misunderstood by many members of the Body of Christ. But I do sometimes wonder, truly, what does it mean?
What is a submissive wife—if not one who simply obeys her husband’s every command?
To properly understand this scripture, let’s first understand what it means to be a wife.
I have always believed the best example of what a Christian marriage should look like is given to us by the first Christian couple in the Bible. Adam and Eve.
Eve was created for Adam and became his wife in Genesis. I can spend a day beating you over the head with the fact that Eve was crafted from Adam’s rib—his side—and not his heel or the bottom of his foot or his backside. I could remind you that Eve was taken out of Adam, which means she was already there inside him, a part of him, before God put Adam to sleep—which emphasizes how we become united as one once again when we get married. And also emphasizes the equality between a man and woman because, like God, we become three in one once we are married.
Isn’t it interesting how God always works in threes?
God the Father. God the Son. God the Holy Spirit.
God created Time, space, and matter—a trinity of trinities.
Time: Past, present, future
Space: Length, width, height
Matter: Solid, liquid, gas
But there is also a trinity within the Christian marriage. That is the husband, the wife, and God. You can find proof of this trinity within the Hebrew spelling of the words man and woman—Ish and Ishah. The Hebrew characters for these words both contain the characters we use to write the name for God, that is … Yah. The interesting thing about this is that when you remove the characters for Yah from the terms Man and Woman, you are left with the Hebrew spelling of the word, Fire; or Esh. Which, once again, shows us that a marriage is not only a form of trinity, but when it is not a trinity (a relationship that includes God) it will burn.
If we are to model our lives after the Word of God [I John 4:17 As he is, so are we in this world.] then we should strive to shape our marriages according to the Word as well. Meaning, the trinity which exists between a husband, wife, and God, should look like the trinity of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Which means, we are three in one, each holding a position of power and authority in our respective places. All three must be present for the trinity to remain standing, all three must work together, and all three must maintain respect for each other.
God does not walk all over Jesus Christ in the trinity. And Jesus Christ doesn’t walk all over the Holy Spirit. In the same way, husbands should not rule and reign over their wives or boss them around, and neither the husband nor the wife gets to tell God what to do.
But, Vay, how can we as mere humans dare to hold our own authority with God in the trinity of marriage?
The precious thing about God is that He is a gentleman. He doesn’t barge His way into your marriage, He only comes when He is invited and, like a polite man, He leaves when He is no longer welcome. That is how we hold our own authority; we exercise the freewill given to us by welcoming God into our marriage as we surrender it to Him, or we close the door to God and burn.
Now that we know what a Christian marriage should look like, how do we as wives find our place within this trinity?
Let’s go back to my first point—understanding what it means to be a wife.
Adam and Eve are the example of the perfect Christian marriage and the perfect marriage trinity. They literally walked with God in the Garden of Eden, that means it’s safe to assume they are also the example of a perfect husband and wife.
So, let’s look at Eve. What does the Bible say about her?
The most important thing to learn here is that Eve is first referred to as Adam’s helper before she is ever called his wife. This happens in Genesis 2:18 when God declares, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.
That helper ends up being Eve, a woman.
What’s significant about this is that the word helper doesn’t mean house slave, baby maker, or personal chef. A quick search on Google will tell you a helper is someone who simply helps someone else.
Digging even deeper than that, when you look at the Hebrew word for helper used in Genesis 2:18, you’ll learn that a helper is actually more than someone who simply lends a hand.
Ezer is the Hebrew word for Helper and it means strong ally. Some translations even describe an Ezer as a rescuer or a hero.
Now that changes things…
Not only are women there to lend assistance, but wives are given to husbands to be their strong ally or their rescuer/hero. Physicality aside, we are not weak and we are not servants. How can we be weak when the Word says we were created to help and rescue our husbands? Has anyone ever been rescued by a weakling?
Ladies, we are strong allies. We were created from the rib of man, meant to stand side by side with our husbands on equal ground with equal strength.
Want even more proof?
The Hebrew word Ezer appears in the Old Testament of the Holy Bible a total of 21 times. What is so mind blowing about this is that sometimes Ezer is used to describe God Almighty.
In Psalms 115:9-11 NIV, God is referred to as an Ezer (a helper/rescuer) to Israel three times.
Even God uses the word Ezer to refer to Himself in Hosea 13:9 NIV.
Clearly, God was not a servant in these scriptures. He was not a quiet, little housemaid cooking and cleaning and taking care of kids all day. Why would YHWH use the same word for Himself as what He used to describe women if it wasn’t a word that meant something powerful?
In those scriptures using the word Ezer, God was a rescuer. He was a helper. He was Israel’s hero. And so are we as women/wives.
What’s important to remember here is that Eve was called an Ezer before she became Adam’s wife. That means women are strong allies and rescuers whether they are single or married. And that doesn’t change once we say ‘I do.’ We will always be Ezers, with or without a husband by our side.
So what does Ephesians 5:22 mean? How is an Ezer supposed to submit?
That question is easy to answer. Wives are supposed to submit to the same capacity as their husbands. How do I know this? Just look at Ephesians 5:21.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
The Bible doesn’t just point its finger at women and say, SHUT UP AND OBEY. When you take the time to read more than Verse 22, you’ll learn that submission in a Christian marriage is actually a two-way street. Husbands are expected to submit to their wives as much as wives submit to their husbands.
I have never seen Ephesians 5:22 as an oppressive verse. Because I understood the scripture to be part of a larger passage. You cannot have 5:22 without 5:21, or else you are distorting the trinity of marriage.
This is probably when most will remind me of Verse 23, For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Think about this scripture… Christ is the head of the church. What does that mean?
On the surface, you might think it means Jesus Christ is in charge. He is the ruler of the church which means His word is Law. In our meager understanding as human beings, I could see why someone would come to that conclusion. But you must remember that Christ’s position as the head of the church is not one of dictatorship or domination. It is one of servitude and love.
In fact, the Greek word for head in this scripture is the word Kephale which means source, fountain, or even the beginning.
So when Ephesians 5:23 says the husband is the head of the wife, it doesn’t mean he is in charge of his wife. It means he is her source. Her fountain. Her beginning. Just as Christ is for the church. And how is Christ our source/fountain/beginning?
Think of what Christ did for the church and continues to do for the church every day. He is our source of love. Our source of provision. Our fountain of youth and restoration. He is our beginning and our end. Christ died for the church. He gave up everything for the church. He came so that we, the church, could have an abundant life. He rescued the church. He provides for the church. He heals the church.
In other words, Jesus serves the church.
No, He is not a servant, but He does serve. Everything Christ has done has been for the benefit of the Church, not for Himself. He doesn’t use his authority—His headship—to rule and reign over the Body of Christ, He uses his great power and authority to bring glory to His body. In the same way, as the head—or the source—of the wife, everything a husband does should be to the benefit of his wife, not himself. Husbands should use their power and authority to bring glory to their wives. To serve their wives.
This form of servitude isn’t one of inferiority, it is one of sacrifice. Think of a man opening the door for his wife, paying for dinner when they go on dates, taking her hand when they walk side by side—being her protector and provider. These are acts of servitude, but they aren’t done out of a feeling of being less than his wife, they are done out of reverence and respect for his wife. To bring glory to her, just as the Bible instructs.
Doesn’t that make sense? That husbands are the source and the beginning of wives—considering Eve was literally taken out of Adam? That she wouldn’t even exist without him?
In case you think I’m just rambling about Christian women’s liberation; you can find confirmation for everything I’ve just said in Ephesians 5:25-30 NIV.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.
Do you see now?
The instruction for a woman to submit to her husband is not a command that turns a woman into her husband’s personal slave. It is an instruction for her to look at her husband just as she looks at God. And how does God describe Himself in the Old Testament?
As our hero!
God is my personal hero. He is my ever-present help in a time of need. He is my friend who sticks closer than a brother. He is my healer. He is my provider. He is the Voice of wisdom when I cannot find my way.
When I get married, my husband will become all those things as he leans into Christ. Submitting to him will not make me less than him. It will not remove my ability to make decisions for myself or to stand up for myself. I will not be treated as a child, a maid, or a slave by my husband—any man who is truly a man of God wouldn’t want to treat his wife that way. As the Word says, Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies … No one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.
Submitting to your husband means allowing him to be your provider. Your protector. Your hero. Just as you submit to Christ and allow him to be your hero—your Ezer.
You see where this is going? Do you see where God is going? He takes our marriage back around full circle.
Man and woman submit to God separately in their singlehood. Once married, both husband and wife submit one to another [Ephesians 5:21]. A wife submits to her husband as she does to God [Ephesians 5:22]. A husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church (a form of sacrificial servitude) [Ephesians 5:25]. Both man and woman submit their marriage to the Lord. And God upholds that marriage as He does the Church.
He becomes the Ezer for both of them. He is their rescuer. Their helper. Their hero.
And it all starts with submission from both parties.
Now that we have finished our quick study of the Word in Hebrew and Greek, let’s look at Ephesians 5:22 with the new words plugged in.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord
Ezers, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord your Ezer.
Strong allies—rescuers—allow your husbands to become your source just as God Almighty, who is your strong ally and rescuer, has been your source and fountain.
Doesn’t that scripture take on a whole new meaning now?
The Bible tells us there are many who perish from a lack of knowledge [Hosea 4:6]. Sometimes the true meaning of the Word can get lost in translation or even purposely covered up by those who would rather preach their truth rather than God’s Truth. I know there are some who reject this interpretation of Ephesians 5:21-30. Some will accuse me of simply twisting the Word to fit my own narrative just because I’m a woman.
If that is the case, click here to listen to what this male preacher has to say on Ephesians 5:21-30. I have shared his sermon with many young women and each one has come back and told me how much it has changed in their lives and their marriages. Those who are single now look forward to marriage. Wouldn’t you? Now that you know and understand Christian marriage isn’t about who gets to tell the other what to do all day.
I am in no way trying to demean or disrespect Christian men. This article is meant to educate and uplift those who need it. Man, woman, husband, or wife.
Whoever has ears, let them hear. Matthew 11:15 NIV
God bless.