It’s been such a long time since I’ve done anything for the website. I can’t exactly explain why, just that I haven’t done anything. Some part of me feels as if I’d hit a wall in 2017. The end of that year was when I’d decided I could no longer see where I was going, where I was headed, or how I would get there. And silence settled. And I became content.

I thought about The Rebel Christian almost every day: when I would get back to it. What it could become—what it had become. But I could never get myself to actually visit the website. I never wanted to open any emails sent to the account, never wanted to handle any business about the website. Sometimes friends and family would question me about it and I’d get nervous; my hands would sweat, and my chest would tighten as I wondered—how can I change the subject?

It’s important for you to know that I never stopped writing. Articles, inserts, and updates were saved to my computer sporadically. On a whim. Randomly at night when I’d stayed up too late, mid-afternoon when I’d finished reading an inspiriting story, or now—after a long day when all the noise has settled, and I’m left with that bland, blank silence again.

So quiet it feels like someone is screaming.

When I think about it now, I recognize this feeling. The tightening in my chest. This overwhelming anxiety. What I feel—and what I have felt toward The Rebel Christian all this time—is fear.

But what exactly do I have to be afraid of?

I can’t say.

Failing? Succeeding? Having an extra responsibility?

I don’t know, but I do know that this website was a gift from God and it’s an insult to let it die the way it has. Before I begin again, I must apologize to all the readers who sent inquiries, waited for updates, repeatedly checked in, and even the authors who continued sending review requests—faithfully believing that I would one day return.

I hope that I am stronger this time around.

I can do all this through Him who gives me strength ~ Philippians 4:13 NIV