Broken
As a writer… I have always found it easier to express myself through written-word rather than verbal. So, whenever I have time, I write down my prayers as if writing a letter to God, instead of speaking them. I feel I can say what’s truly on my heart when I write my prayers. Even when there are tears falling onto my keyboard, I can keep writing because I know the Lord hears my prayers just as if I have spoken them aloud.
This is the prayer I wrote tonight. Honest and raw—as is. I don’t know why the Lord inspired me to post it, but I knew I was going to publish this prayer as soon as I began writing. These are the very real and very personal words I whispered to God in my heart as I typed—teary eyed and overwhelmed. Please pardon any errors. I really wanted to leave this just as it was.
I am trying to be strong Father. I just don’t know why everything is happening like this. I loved someone so dearly Lord, I had nothing but love and affection even after they began mistreating me. Whyyyyyyyyyyy
That’s the question that I can’t answer. That’s the question that will never be answered. And its eating me up Lord. Its tearing me apart. But I will come forth as pure gold.
In the end… I was left in the dark. I was tossed aside. I was treated like I am nothing.
But you see me. You know that I am somebody. And I’m trying so hard to keep going. It just hurts so much, Jesus.
“We are pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” II Corinthians 4:8-9 NIV
I am a child of the Most High God… my Father created the heavens and the earth and He is on my side. I will not lose this battle. I cannot lose to the devil because he has already been defeated. I am honored in heaven and the angels are cheering for me alongside every host above. I have won. I have surpassed. I had been redeemed. No matter what is thrown at me, I will come forth as pure gold. This has shaken me, but it will not break me. I am a conqueror and the only one who has lost in this scenario is Satan.
You can harm my body, you can hurt my feelings, but you cannot touch my faith. Faith that saves me. Faith that heals me. Faith that has put me back together though I’d shattered into a million pieces.
It is your sweet love, Jesus, that keeps me going.
I can admit, Father, that I am broken. I am done, I give up! I give this all to you, Lord, because you care. I know that you do. I know that you see me and that you feel the pain I am feeling. And because you are God—because you honor your Word: that you will never leave me, that you will protect me, that you will rise from your throne in heaven when I cry out your name—I know that everything is going to be ok. It was you who promised me that, so long ago… that everything would be ok. And at that time, I thought for sure that this message meant that you would fix everything, and I would live happily ever after. But the exact opposite has happened. I have been ridiculed, betrayed, lied on, and cut off. Nothing could possibly get worse, Lord.
But you are God.
And you see me. And you’ve got me right where you want me. Because it is in the midst of these dark troubles that your glory shines brightest.
I do believe in the King of all Kings. I do believe in a Father who loves his dear children. I do believe that I am in your presence and I will be lifted high. You will set a table before me, in the presence of my enemies. You will glorify me. You will redeem me. You will bless me beyond anything that I could ever ask or imagine. I am here Christ. I am here and in my pain, I have realized:
The battle never stops… You just learn how to fight.
So, I am picking up my weapon and I am saying no more. No longer does Satan get to influence my mind—my heart—my emotions. You said to think on things that are good. You said to press toward the mark. Though I don’t know where I am going, I am pushing forward in this wilderness. Give me the strength to walk through this valley. Give me the boldness to feel no fear.
Lord, today … on this day … I repent of every wrongdoing. I turn away from the pride in thinking I could do things on my own. I turn away from the self-pity in lingering and wallowing in my own sorrows. I turn away from the anger towards those who have hurt me. I release the pain and longing for a life and future that was not given by you, oh Lord. And I ask for your forgiveness, Jesus. I surrender all unto you. I am not in charge, Jesus. My life is not my own—it never was—and I no longer want it to be. You are in charge, Lord. You are the head of my life. And I never want to feel that dark distance from you again. Comfort me Jesus. Love me Jesus. I want you Jesus… the anxious, choking, heart-pounding love I had been searching for so furiously, so desperately, was actually a love for you Father.
I wanted a love that no one could take away. I wanted a love that would never be replaced. I wanted someone to love me for who I am—with all of my problems—with all of my needs—with all of my imperfections. I wanted someone to have my back. I wanted someone to tell me that I was beautiful even when I looked my worse. I wanted someone to encourage me. To always be my friend. To cheer me up when I was sad. To make me laugh even when I felt like crying. To hold my hand when it was cold out. And to share their ice-cream with me in the summer. I was so unhappy, thinking that I could only find joy when I was finally united with this mystery man who would kickstart my life. In reality… that man has always been right here in front of me.
I pushed him away.
You have loved me from the moment you created me. You have never given up on me. You have never put me down. You have always wanted my attention. You have always wanted to be with me. To hear my thoughts, to hear about my day, to know what made me happy—and even what made me sad. You wanted to protect me. You wanted to stand by my side—and I fought you at every turn.
I feel ashamed. Now that I am broken, I recognize the presence of such a sweet love. But it was not until I had been torn apart that I could see clearly.
Lord, you know that I have been hurt so deeply I cannot even begin to put it into words. But I ask you for peace. Peace with myself and peace with the people who have hurt me. I ask you to forgive them for their sins and I ask that you bless them to find salvation in your name, Jesus Christ. No matter how I was treated, you still love them. And I believe they deserve the wonderful love that you have given me.
Lord, I do still want to be married someday. Hopefully someday soon. But, Father, more than anything. I want to be with you. Its me and you, Jesus. Even if its us alone forever and ever, I will enjoy peace and grace and mercy as long as I live.
So, I declare today … what was meant to destroy me has built me up in Jesus’ name. I am no longer sad. I am no longer full of sorrow. I will hold my head up high because the God of all nations has seen me. He has heard my prayers, and He is coming to deliver me Himself.
Nice try Satan.